Reflection on Sex Life 10 Years Later
By Akhilesvara dasa

Ten years ago, I began an article with the following paragraph: "In Gita-nagari recently, I witnessed an initiation ceremony conducted by Satsvarupa Maharaja. The temple room was nicely decorated and filled with chanting and praying devotees. This time, however, my thoughts did not follow their usual channel of reasoning. Maybe it was because only a few days before I had read Srila Prabhupada comments: 'These fire sacrifices are only bluff, we are doing them to attract people. The real thing is the chanting of the maha-mantra.' So, I stood there, looking at the devotees and listening to the vows they were taking: no meat eating, no intoxication, no gambling and no illicit sex. No illicit sex."

Now, ten years later, I can write what I avoided stating in my original article:

At that time, my wife Nicole had been seeking initiation from Satsvarupa Maharaja and the two had exchanged correspondence to this happy end. However, not long before she was to be initiated, she and I "fell down": we had sex together. So I dutifully wrote Satsvarupa a letter and explained the situation: "I can hardly restrict my sexual urge for more than a few months at the time," I wrote. "I am therefore breaking the regulative principles regularly. I don't know what to do." Maharaja wrote back to say said that in such circumstances, he would not initiate Nicole. "That's fair," I thought. "This is our philosophy. The disciple should test the guru and the guru the disciple." So, there I was, listening to the postulants taking their vows. Frustrated that my wife was not one of them, I began to meditate on the situation. How fallen and unfortunate we were that she could not get initiated! But what real difference was there between these new devotees and my wife? Was it their devotion? their sincerity? their determination? But how many of those sitting there were really going to stick to the vows they were making today in five, ten or fifteen years? We seem to have little problem with the first three regulative principles, but when it comes to "illicit sex," what a nightmare! If it irritates you to hear me say this, it either means you are not aware that it is a major problem affecting a vast proportion of devotees, or are wilfully ignoring it. Restraining oneself from sexual intercourse is very difficult, especially over the long haul. And yet this incredible injunction has been made one of the main pillars of our movement. I have even heard some people say that it is the most important of the four rules.

Of course, if you gently ask the new bhaktas about their sincere desire, they will swear that even though all around them devotees are falling down or struggling to maintain the rules and regulations, they will succeed. A nice sentiment, but really, between you and me, how many out of them are going to make it? The whole matter reminds me of Yamaraja asking what is the most astonishing thing in life. Yudhisthira's answer was that although everyone is dying, they still make plans to live forever. In our movement, the same wonder surrounds our attitude to the fourth regulative principle.

A few years after being rebuffed by Satsvarupa Maharaja, Nicole and I approached Jagadish Maharaja. He agreed to initiate her even after we had told him of our dilemma. After all, I was an old devotee dedicated to Srila Prabhupada's movement and Nicole was serious about her engagement. Unfortunately--or luckily--she never got initiated as Maharaja himself went off and married one of his own disciples.

Such failures of senior devotees pour salt in the wound, for when new initiates learn that their seniors have fallen down, they are told it is because they are in Maya. Such teachings lead to strained relationships between generations of disciples. To cite a sarcastic Bengali dictum Srila Prabhupada liked, "When the dry cow dung is burning in the fire, the soft cow dung laughs." Despite all the service and knowledge of the senior disciples, they are condemned and ostracized because of their difficulties with the fourth regulative principle. I have to admit that this restriction is not a sectarian principle, but is found in all orthodox Vaishnava sampradayas.

For example, I have heard that in Srirangam, or one of the other big temples complexes in South India, when a Brahmin's turn comes to worship the deity for about six months, he has to live in the temple compound during that time in order to insure that he will not have sexual relations with his wife. The solution may be drastic, but it is perhaps the only realistic one! Let us consider how outsiders react when they hear us proclaim all the time that we don't have "illicit" sexual relationships in our movement.

They are, quite naturally, sceptical. After all, you don't need a microscope to see what is going on. So, let's not fool ourselves with such pretension and face the reality, otherwise we may end up like the Shakers, that 19th century American religious movement that banned sex altogether as "the seat of human corruption" - extinct after less than a hundred years of existence. When we have so much trouble with sannyasis falling down to sex desire, how can we expect married couples, who have admitted their weakness, to avoid it? The media are regularly revealing the abominations that the so-called celibates in the Catholic Church are guilty of. We should be careful not to be hypocrites, to not fall into the same trap. People in general are disgusted with such pretension.

You may say I am painting a picture that is too black, but is it not true that three of every four-devotee marriages breaks up? That is an awfully high rate of divorce for a so-called "spiritual" society. And once divorced, what do these devotees do? Get married again. So much for our marital chastity! Some devotees are very busy with their lives or, let's say it frankly, are completely absorbed in Maya, as dogmatic authority tells us. They are unable to follow any sadhana or chant sixteen rounds, but they keep contact with Krishna consciousness by coming to the Sunday feast and festivals, unless of course, they haven't been completely turned off by the bigoted mentality of the temple devotees.

I know what I am talking about, because I once cultivated that same reductionist attitude. Though these devotees are not strict followers of the four regulative principles, they form a majority in our movement. Not only that, they are the only hope for the movement's survival, because they are its potential economic base. By excluding or diminishing them, the movement cuts itself off from potential financing.

On the other hand, there is another category of devotees, those who are more determined and focused on spiritual life. Many amongst them hold some kind of position of authority in our organization. They struggle hard to become pure devotees, whatever this expression means. They try to chant their rounds and do some service; they are able to present the philosophy nicely; they can manage and hold a good attitude towards other devotees.

Needless to say, these devotees too are able to keep their spiritual life together only by remaining in the association of devotees. How important are the responsibility and the role of a spiritual society in this regard! Because if these devotees ever have to work and raise kids, they are soon no longer able to get up early in the morning, they start having difficulties in chanting their rounds, their sadhana deteriorates and, of course, they fall prey to sex life.

They may try hard to fight back "this evil," only to find out that it is very difficult to associate with a lovely wife, yet to only have sexual relationships for the purpose of procreation. And as for those newly married couples who find out that they cannot have children, vanaprastha is the only answer, I suppose. It seems to me that this is a great dilemma for our society and a stumbling block for its development unless we can offer these people more hope of spiritual success despite their problems with sexual desire. For all but a minority the four regulative principles are very difficult to follow.

The result is that devotees try to project an image of themselves so that others can say: "Here is a good devotee!" But they know the truth and so are in fact frustrated and consumed by guilt. Everyone plays this game. And what is a result of this wholesale hypocrisy? A psychopathological disorder that affects the entire organisation. Twenty-five years ago, I asked a leader about how we were going to bring karmis to follow the four regulative principles when we ourselves had such a hard time sticking to them. I still have not received a satisfying answer to this question. What do the karmis think when they hear a preacher expounding the four regulative principles with great conviction? "No sex life?" they wonder, "No, I am not joining you. Not only that, but I will have nothing to do with you." In one way, this person is being smart.

He knows he'll never be able to adjust himself to our attitude to sexuality - what we call "illicit sex" he calls "making love." Sex is normal if you don't want to be a monk. Why should he add such a troublesome rule to his life? You may say, "Well, he is free to lead the life of a dog." But are those who want to take up the life of a yogi so numerous that they can form a viable society? Will they alone be able to carry on and expand the movement?

The question is, do we wish to remain a small and insignificant sect, "small but pure?” It is time we decide what our mission is. We often hear the call to implement Varnashram dharma, but our social ideas must be practical enough to offer the public something other than frustration and mental disorder. Perhaps a true Brahmin has no interest in sexual life and can control it with some effort. But for others, it is a whole different reality. When not understood and properly dealt with, the guilt provoked by the desire to enjoy a sexual relationship can create great disruption, not only to the harmony of the affected married couple but to our whole organisation. If not properly gratified, sex desire becomes harmful both to ourselves and to our entourage. But what is the prevailing attitude in the movement? Some time ago, Jayadvaita Swami was touring the world giving seminars on the grihastha ashram. In one of his classes, a devotee inquired: "My husband wants to have illicit sex with me, what should I do?"

Maharaja did not give her some instructions on how to pacify the disturbed husband. He did not encourage her to see a Vaishnava counsellor; nor did he weigh his words carefully out of fear of breaking up yet another devotee marriage. Not at all! In front of a large group of devotees who had come to be inspired by our philosophy on this delicate subject, his peremptory answer was: "Kick him on the face! Let him go to a prostitute." Do you think I was horrified by this answer? I was indeed, since I happened to be just such a fallen husband.

If being a true Brahmin means having sex with one's wife for no other reason than procreation; if being a Vaishnava means being "more than a Brahmin"; if new bhaktas are initiated as Brahmins after a testing period when they promise to give up all "love" relationship; if our objective as a society is to make everyone a Vaishnava, or mass proselytism for the Vaishnava faith, then I say, "Forget it!" Twenty-five years ago, Srila Prabhupada spoke out: "When Chaitanya Mahaprabhu said that all over the world His message will be broadcast, does it mean it will simply be a cinema show? No. He wanted that everyone should be a perfect Vaishnava.

That is His purpose. It is not to make a farce, to do some lecturing and create a mutual praising society. No! It is Krishna's society. Everyone will join this Krishna's society. A Vaishnava is more than a Brahmin. What is Brahmin? A Brahmin is also material. A devotee is more than a Brahmin. The Brahminical culture is included already." After all these years, we are still resting our understanding of a Krishna conscious society upon such postulates. Should I say here something that everyone knows: it did not work! It is not even feasible! At least not in our present reality; and not even in a near future.

Unless we become proactive and find a rational solution based on our experience. It is a matter of life and death for the movement. I suggest that we could have an anonymous poll in the movement asking devotees what kind of sadhana they are practicing and what principles they are really following. If the results corroborate my impressions as described in this article, we should refrain from too readily giving brahminical initiation and consider the qualification of those who want to take the vow of following the four regulative principles. When a new bhakta signs a spiritual contract, it is not for four, five or ten years -- it is for a lifetime! When making this decision, what does he really understand about the meaning of his engagement? But -we- know!

So if he is not able to keep his vow, we are in fact more responsible for his lapses than he. We should apply all our experience to minimizing the negative consequences of premature engagements, just as Satsvarupa Maharaja did with my wife and me. A selective program would take into consideration that the majority of those who are interested in spiritual life are not necessarily Brahmins. Such a view is much more realistic if we wish to build a house under whose roof the whole world can take shelter.

People will have no complexes because they are not Brahmins; because they are not going to mangal aratik, chanting their sixteen rounds, or because they don't practice continence. Individuals will feel as respected and important when qualified in their field of expertise as Brahmins are in their own, if not more. Just like a king, in everyday life he has a higher material position than a Brahmin. No more inferior classes. This is the way to spread Krishna consciousness according to time and circumstances. Imagine how Krishna consciousness could be made attractive by adopting such an inclusive orientation instead of lecturing on the sinfulness of drinking hot chocolate or playing soccer! In 1998, I asked Bhakti-tirtha Maharaja. "A leader in the field of administration, politic and economy is generally not a Brahmin by constitution. To force him to develop the brahmanical qualities goes against the mode of passion and the interest of his function. It is a contradiction. If successful managers, directors of enterprises and businesses -- who engage hundred or thousands of people -- want to join us, will they be fit to take a leadership post even if they don't chant sixteen rounds or go to mangal aratik?" Bhakti-tirtha Maharaja's response was a categorical "No!" They must chant their sixteen rounds and come to mangal aratik!

Up to then, Bhakti-tirtha Maharaja had been the figure of an open and realistic Vaishnava authority to me. I thought he was aware of the psychological conditions of Varnashram dharma in Western countries at the end of the twentieth century. His unequivocal response was a great disappointment to me. Ten years ago, I proposed that these new people, the shudras, vaishyas and Kshatriyas who wanted to join the movement, should be given an alternative to the vows of the sixteen rounds and celibacy. They could be given impressive "fire sacrifices" if they promise to chant Hare Krishna with their hearts. They could also receive a spiritual name as an encouragement on that occasion.

In the meantime, Jayapataka Maharaja has proposed a similar plan to systematically integrate new members into the movement even if they are not chanting sixteen rounds. Such a plan would permit a new devotee to feel a part of the spiritual community, which is perhaps the most essential element in his making spiritual progress, without his having to undergo the social pressure of having to be initiated prematurely.

Otherwise, the tendency is to cheat. The new bhakta thinks, "I am not certain that I will be strict on the regulative principles all my life, but I want to be part of ISKCON and have a relationship with a guru." In his sincere desire, he places himself under the protection of a spiritual master. Unfortunately, after some time, he often realises that the purification he envisioned has not happened as he expected. Not only that, but he becomes aware he, like most other devotees, has over the years accepted a compromised standard and is not what he appears to be - a pakka Brahmin. But to keep whatever position or relation the devotee has within the movement, he has to make a show, for this is the only way he can continue to be considered a devotee and participate in the life of Lord Chaitanya's movement. "After all," he rationalizes "one day I will get purified and then I will follow the rules." Agreed. This is my philosophy, too.

The key to our personal success is association with devotees, for sadhu sanga purifies us. But not if it means being hypocritical! I have tried to be concise in this article, though there is much more to talk about. I have not advocated freedom of sexual intercourse, since Srila Prabhupada made it clear enough that it is a dirty business. But he told us also to get the best of a bad bargain.

I would just like to see more awareness on the matter where initiation and brahminical qualifications are concerned, since these are directly related to sex life. I repeat here what I wrote in the introduction: I am not asking for changes to the initiation system per se. I am only suggesting that we become more selective before engaging people to follow the higher principles because of their difficulties and that we make a broader definition of what is a Vaishnava.

We should then learn to live with such members without being condescending. By placing all our expectations mainly on metaphysical factors that are very hard to define, we are neglecting an important potential section of the society. I believe that the best way to expand Chaitanya Mahaprabhu's movement is to integrate the most people possible into its bosom, and by carefully organizing Srila Prabhupada's instructions, everyone can get the chance to participate according to their full capacities. We may then expect that moonlike devotees will emerge from among the stars.

This is the way Srila Prabhupada started his movement.

Your fallen servant,
Akhilesvara dasa

© CHAKRA 24-January-2001

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