Letter to My Mind
By Yoginath Dasa

Today, sir, you have completed twenty-six years of bhakti-yoga practice. And with only a few shameful lapses, you have honored your vows faithfully. Yet despite such diligence, you do not have any insight into your eternal spiritual identity. More than that, the attraction for material pleasure still looms in your heart, and your taste for chanting is the same as when you first stared at the initiation fire all those years ago and said, "I do."

Tell me then, mind, are you suggesting that I should have progressed more than this? And can you explain the reason for my stunted growth? Is it that although Srila Prabhupada kindly led me to the threshold of intimate spiritual truths, he is not the one to bring me into the inner sanctum of Krishna-lila? Is it true that the standard prescription of 4 no's and 16 rounds issued at my generic fire sacrifice in the old temple house was merely a beginner's formula? Does there exist some kind of secret graduation process not known to me before, which allows one to finally step beyond "ordinary" Krishna consciousness and experience the ecstasy of the acaryas? Am I indeed obligated to seek a new guide for the next level lest I be damned to remain a neophyte forever?

No, you say, either formula works. Simple fidelity to Bhaktivedanta Swami will, of course, take one back to Godhead, perhaps only to Vaikuntha, but that is still exalted. And, taking fresh inspiration from another self-realized soul, especially one versed in the confidential understanding of madhurya-rasa will, with guaranteed certainty, bring one into Lord Krishna's Vrndavan pastimes as an active participant. Whichever you choose depends on your heart's desire; they are one and the same path.

Hate me if you will, dear mind, but to the later assertion I say, "Fie,” and, "Fie again!" Do you mean to tell me that after burning the fire for twenty-six years, would you now have me douse the flame with the cold water of spiritual impudence and start all over?

Dear Lord Krishna, please save me from these devilish words of my mind. Please, Lord, never let me presume that my power of discrimination allows me to second-guess the wisdom, the status, the realization of the personality You sent to save me. Let me be patient with my modest spiritual achievement and let me be determined to continue. And please, Lord, never let me think I can compensate for my failures by projecting them onto my spiritual master. Nor do I ever want to mistake excited frenzy or smug certainty for transcendence. "Take spiritual enlivenment wherever you can find it;" "Serve the living acarya;" "Seek advanced association;" "Be greedy to have Krishna;" "Guru is one." Please, Lord, never let my intelligence be spoiled by these cleverly refashioned slogans. And please, Lord, never let me be seduced by the absurd suggestion that my diksa mantra was not genuine or effectual.

Today, on the 26^th anniversary of my initiation vows, it is clear and obvious that I am not advanced and that I do not understand bhakti-yoga very well. In this dark condition I am forced to rely on the simple hope that following Srila Prabhupada and his instructions will save me.

Please, Lord, don't let me casually dismiss the service and sacrifices of others, being only sympathetic with myself and my views. Let me honor all seekers, but let me keep company with faithful sisyas who cling to the feet of Srila Prabhupada with exclusive devotion. I will gladly cast my fate with them, for that is, I believe, the way of deliverance for me. If there is an error on my part, let it be that I lingered too long on the level of anartha-nivritti, rather than that I prematurely tried to barge my way into Krishna's lila by stepping on the head of my spiritual master.

© CHAKRA 31 March 2001

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